I woke up yesterday morning, and my temperatures were still elevated. Something made me decide to take a home pregnancy test. For a few minutes, I was sure it was going to be negative, like every other test I’ve taken. Then a hint of a shadow started forming where a second line would go. I squinted and held it to the light and couldn’t be sure. I tore the little plastic contraption apart to get a better look at the test strip. I THOUGHT I saw something.
I took a photo of it and posted it on Fertility Friend (online message board). Everyone else claimed to see it too.
Unfortunately, C was in Palm Springs for work, so I called and woke him up around 6:00. He was a little disoriented. I said, “I’m sorry to wake you up, but I might be pregnant.” He said it was fine to wake him up with that news.
I went in for a blood draw around 11:00. I stressed all day long. Was I? Wasn’t? On the way home from work, I stopped at Target and bought three more test brands. I used them when I came home and got more positive results, including a digital test that said “pregnant.”
That was nice to see. But I was still totally scared.
C was still gone last night, so I was on my own again. I went for a walk with a friend but didn’t say anything about it. C wants me to wait a few weeks to tell anyone. I really want to at least tell my parents and a few close friends. It’s just too much to keep to myself. Anyhow, I didn’t say anything last night.
This morning I got my blood test results. It's still very, very early. My period isn’t even due until Friday or Saturday, and I got my positive home pregnancy test result on Tuesday. Anyhow, the hCG in my blood measured at 23, which I guess is fine for how early I am. The important thing is that it doubles every 48 hours.
Unfortunately, I won’t be in town 48 hours after the first test because we will be out of town for a wedding. I’ve given the information for a hospital near where we are staying to my doctor’s office. If they want me to go in for another test, they can send the order there and have me go in. I should know more tomorrow after I land.
But for the moment, I am pregnant!!!! I’m feeling a lot more anxiety than I imagined I would. Everything is looking okay so far, but I want more reassurances. Early loss is so, so common, and I’m terrified it will happen to me. We’ve been trying for 15 months, met with five different doctors and tried drugs and surgery. Now if I lose this pregnancy, it will be very, very hard. I will try not to think about it.
Positive thoughts. :)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Appointment next week
We had to wait until August to start working with the RE because we had to switch medical groups.
August is here, and we've switched groups, so we can start working with the RE. I have an appointment next Friday for an ultrasound and to learn how to do injections.
Then we'll start the injections a few days before my current cycle ends. Hopefully our injectable cycle does the trick and we don't even have to move on to IVF.
I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs, and they are kind of depressing. Depressing because I understand how they're feeling, and I see that IVF didn't work for many of them, so they're left feeling even more depressed. I'm so scared that will be me.
Success rates for my age group are over 50%, but because of my various issues, I'm given the odds of 30%. So I have to be prepared that I will likely not get pregnant. How do you do that and stay positive at the same time? It's very confusing.
To help with my confusion, I've made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in infertility. Hopefully she can help me wrap my brain around this. I'm meeting with her next Wednesday.
I've also made an acupuncture appointment. It's supposed to help IVF, so we might as well try as much as possible to give ourselves the best shot. This will be my third acupuncture practitioner. The first one was nuts and the second one was too far away. Hopefully third times a charm.
Just waiting... tick tock...
August is here, and we've switched groups, so we can start working with the RE. I have an appointment next Friday for an ultrasound and to learn how to do injections.
Then we'll start the injections a few days before my current cycle ends. Hopefully our injectable cycle does the trick and we don't even have to move on to IVF.
I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs, and they are kind of depressing. Depressing because I understand how they're feeling, and I see that IVF didn't work for many of them, so they're left feeling even more depressed. I'm so scared that will be me.
Success rates for my age group are over 50%, but because of my various issues, I'm given the odds of 30%. So I have to be prepared that I will likely not get pregnant. How do you do that and stay positive at the same time? It's very confusing.
To help with my confusion, I've made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in infertility. Hopefully she can help me wrap my brain around this. I'm meeting with her next Wednesday.
I've also made an acupuncture appointment. It's supposed to help IVF, so we might as well try as much as possible to give ourselves the best shot. This will be my third acupuncture practitioner. The first one was nuts and the second one was too far away. Hopefully third times a charm.
Just waiting... tick tock...
Friday, July 31, 2009
It's been a while
I haven’t updated my blog for a long time.
I’ve asked myself why this is the case. Trying to become a mother takes up about 90% of my brain power, literally. I don’t know how to change this. I live a very busy life, so it’s not like I’m just sitting here, doing nothing else. I honestly can’t stop thinking about it. So I’m trying to give myself some slack for my one-track mind.
So, why haven’t I blogged? I think it is simply because infertility is boring. Very boring. I bore myself just thinking about it. Nothing happens. That’s the point. No baby. It can truly drive a person crazy.
I think I only like to talk about good things, and infertility is very, very, very hard. Excruciating, actually. But it’s obviously on my mind, so I’m going to try to get over myself and start typing.
We have been trying now for 14 months. The vast majority of women would be pregnant by now. The rest are split into two categories – those who will eventually become pregnant with luck, time and treatment, and those who will never get pregnant. Please God, let me be in the first category.
Starting in May, C and I began meeting with REs. We have met with a total of four. Two are in our area and the other two were within 2.5 hours driving. Most people don’t meet with so many, but I wanted to make sure that we were secure in our decision before moving forward. Plus, we wanted to give my ovaries a chance to heal from the drilling surgery. My obgyn who did the surgery said we’d have a good chance of getting pregnant in the first 3-6 months after the surgery. So we wanted to give it a chance. We’re now 4.5 months past surgery, with no pregnancy.
One of the REs we met said he believed we had less than 5% chance of conceiving on our own. He seemed to put our chances with IVF at about 30%. I cried. It hurt so much to hear that even the most aggressive and expensive treatment would still likely leave me childless. But it is our best chance, so we will go for it before looking into other options like adoption.
We selected an RE near us (Dr. Z) and will start working with him next month. My insurance will cover 50% of procedures other than IVF. Since we’re cash payers for IVF, the cost is crazy. Before we go into an expensive IVF cycle, we’re going to try a round of injectable drugs with regular intercourse. I just want to make sure my ovaries even respond to the medications. My FSH levels are already so high that there is a good chance that I will be a poor responder to stims. As long as I respond reasonably well, we will move forward with IVF.
I’m on cycle day six right now. We will try naturally this cycle, and then start giving me injections for the next one. We have an appointment on August 14th to have an ultrasound and learn how to give me the shots. Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to get pregnant naturally and it won’t even come to the shots…
I’ve asked myself why this is the case. Trying to become a mother takes up about 90% of my brain power, literally. I don’t know how to change this. I live a very busy life, so it’s not like I’m just sitting here, doing nothing else. I honestly can’t stop thinking about it. So I’m trying to give myself some slack for my one-track mind.
So, why haven’t I blogged? I think it is simply because infertility is boring. Very boring. I bore myself just thinking about it. Nothing happens. That’s the point. No baby. It can truly drive a person crazy.
I think I only like to talk about good things, and infertility is very, very, very hard. Excruciating, actually. But it’s obviously on my mind, so I’m going to try to get over myself and start typing.
We have been trying now for 14 months. The vast majority of women would be pregnant by now. The rest are split into two categories – those who will eventually become pregnant with luck, time and treatment, and those who will never get pregnant. Please God, let me be in the first category.
Starting in May, C and I began meeting with REs. We have met with a total of four. Two are in our area and the other two were within 2.5 hours driving. Most people don’t meet with so many, but I wanted to make sure that we were secure in our decision before moving forward. Plus, we wanted to give my ovaries a chance to heal from the drilling surgery. My obgyn who did the surgery said we’d have a good chance of getting pregnant in the first 3-6 months after the surgery. So we wanted to give it a chance. We’re now 4.5 months past surgery, with no pregnancy.
One of the REs we met said he believed we had less than 5% chance of conceiving on our own. He seemed to put our chances with IVF at about 30%. I cried. It hurt so much to hear that even the most aggressive and expensive treatment would still likely leave me childless. But it is our best chance, so we will go for it before looking into other options like adoption.
We selected an RE near us (Dr. Z) and will start working with him next month. My insurance will cover 50% of procedures other than IVF. Since we’re cash payers for IVF, the cost is crazy. Before we go into an expensive IVF cycle, we’re going to try a round of injectable drugs with regular intercourse. I just want to make sure my ovaries even respond to the medications. My FSH levels are already so high that there is a good chance that I will be a poor responder to stims. As long as I respond reasonably well, we will move forward with IVF.
I’m on cycle day six right now. We will try naturally this cycle, and then start giving me injections for the next one. We have an appointment on August 14th to have an ultrasound and learn how to give me the shots. Maybe we’ll be lucky enough to get pregnant naturally and it won’t even come to the shots…
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Just waiting
I'm now on day 10 of my second cycle post-surgery. The first one was pretty normal in length, and I ovulated, but no BFP (big fat positive pregnancy test).
I started going to a new acupuncture practitioner who specializes in fertility. She seems to know what she's doing, so I'm really hoping that it's helping.
We were supposed to have our firswt appointment with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) back in April, but I rescheduled with a different doctor at the clinic after getting a not-so-great review of the one we were supposed to meet. So we were rescheduled to meet this coming Tuesday. Unfortunately, C just found out he has to go to Florida for work next week, so we had to push the appointment out until May 26th. That's the day after we're back from our vacation in Cabo.
I just have to make it through a week of work, then vacation, then our appointment will be here!
I started going to a new acupuncture practitioner who specializes in fertility. She seems to know what she's doing, so I'm really hoping that it's helping.
We were supposed to have our firswt appointment with the RE (reproductive endocrinologist) back in April, but I rescheduled with a different doctor at the clinic after getting a not-so-great review of the one we were supposed to meet. So we were rescheduled to meet this coming Tuesday. Unfortunately, C just found out he has to go to Florida for work next week, so we had to push the appointment out until May 26th. That's the day after we're back from our vacation in Cabo.
I just have to make it through a week of work, then vacation, then our appointment will be here!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
One week post surgery
In my last post, I mentioned that we had tried Clomid for the first time.
Well, it didn't really work. I did have some sort of weak ovulation, but I certainly didn't get pregnant. Instead, I grew a tennis-ball-sized cyst in my right ovary.
I had an ultrasound to confirm the cyst, and my doctor requested a laparoscopic surgery from my insurance company to remove the cyst.
I had very mixed feelings about letting him poke around on my ovaries. I have already had one high hormone reading (Day 3 FSH) which indicated that I might have issues with egg quantity or quality, and I obviously don't want to cause any damage.
I went to see another Ob/Gyn for a second opinion. She agreed with my doctor's plan of attack, so we went through with scheduling the surgery. The second opinion doctor also told me that I have a few reasons to seek out a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist). 1) My elevated Day 3 FSH, and 2) bad response to Clomid. She also agreed that I probably have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) based on my ultrasound results and my super high Day 3 LH levels. This consultation was on my 30th birthday.
After a fun weekend with friends in Napa, my surgery took place last Wednesday.
C took me to the outpatient surgery center at 5:30 a.m. It's about a half hour from our house, so we got up around 4:30. Pre-op procedures were easy enough. I checked in, paid my copay and was set up with a gurney and an IV drip. C gave me a kiss, and I was wheeled into surgery. I woke up to see both C and my mom, who came to help out.
I was in some pain when I first woke up, but they gave me more pain meds and I started to feel better. My mom brought me home, but we forgot to get a housekey. C had to leave work to let us in, but I think he was kind of happy to get to be at home with us.
A couple neighbors visited that day, and I didn't feel too bad. I continued resting until Saturday, which was the day of my 30th birthday party. C booked a VIP package at a club, and about 16 of our friends and family joined us to celebrate. I was tired and not feeling 100% like my normal self, but I still had fun.
I went back to work on Monday, but have come down with a nasty cold, so I'm back at home resting. I'm sick of lying around on the couch!
Tomorrow is my post op appointment, and I'm looking forward to asking my doctor lots of questions.
1. What exactly did you do to my ovaries? From the pictures, they look like toasted marshmallows. Did you do Ovarian Drilling? If so, why do my pictures look so different from those online?
2. Can I please get a Rx for metformin? I have read so many studies that show it helps women with PCOS (even thin women like me) ovulate and conceive, that I would really like to give it a try.
3. When should I expect my next cycle to start?
4. Am I at risk of developing adhesions? I have read that these are often formed after similar surgeries.
5. Can I please have the following Day 3 tests ordered: FSH, LH, Estradiol, Prolactin, Anti Mullerian Hormone and Inhibin B?
6. What RE(s) do you recommend, and may I have a referral for a consultation?
Well, I'm just hanging out with my cats on the sofa. I've finished my library book and am sick of daytime TV!
Well, it didn't really work. I did have some sort of weak ovulation, but I certainly didn't get pregnant. Instead, I grew a tennis-ball-sized cyst in my right ovary.
I had an ultrasound to confirm the cyst, and my doctor requested a laparoscopic surgery from my insurance company to remove the cyst.
I had very mixed feelings about letting him poke around on my ovaries. I have already had one high hormone reading (Day 3 FSH) which indicated that I might have issues with egg quantity or quality, and I obviously don't want to cause any damage.
I went to see another Ob/Gyn for a second opinion. She agreed with my doctor's plan of attack, so we went through with scheduling the surgery. The second opinion doctor also told me that I have a few reasons to seek out a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist). 1) My elevated Day 3 FSH, and 2) bad response to Clomid. She also agreed that I probably have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) based on my ultrasound results and my super high Day 3 LH levels. This consultation was on my 30th birthday.
After a fun weekend with friends in Napa, my surgery took place last Wednesday.
C took me to the outpatient surgery center at 5:30 a.m. It's about a half hour from our house, so we got up around 4:30. Pre-op procedures were easy enough. I checked in, paid my copay and was set up with a gurney and an IV drip. C gave me a kiss, and I was wheeled into surgery. I woke up to see both C and my mom, who came to help out.
I was in some pain when I first woke up, but they gave me more pain meds and I started to feel better. My mom brought me home, but we forgot to get a housekey. C had to leave work to let us in, but I think he was kind of happy to get to be at home with us.
A couple neighbors visited that day, and I didn't feel too bad. I continued resting until Saturday, which was the day of my 30th birthday party. C booked a VIP package at a club, and about 16 of our friends and family joined us to celebrate. I was tired and not feeling 100% like my normal self, but I still had fun.
I went back to work on Monday, but have come down with a nasty cold, so I'm back at home resting. I'm sick of lying around on the couch!
Tomorrow is my post op appointment, and I'm looking forward to asking my doctor lots of questions.
1. What exactly did you do to my ovaries? From the pictures, they look like toasted marshmallows. Did you do Ovarian Drilling? If so, why do my pictures look so different from those online?
2. Can I please get a Rx for metformin? I have read so many studies that show it helps women with PCOS (even thin women like me) ovulate and conceive, that I would really like to give it a try.
3. When should I expect my next cycle to start?
4. Am I at risk of developing adhesions? I have read that these are often formed after similar surgeries.
5. Can I please have the following Day 3 tests ordered: FSH, LH, Estradiol, Prolactin, Anti Mullerian Hormone and Inhibin B?
6. What RE(s) do you recommend, and may I have a referral for a consultation?
Well, I'm just hanging out with my cats on the sofa. I've finished my library book and am sick of daytime TV!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
My first blog post
I have enjoyed following others' stories of trying to conceive, pregnancy, adoption and parenting, so I decided to start my own blog. My hope is that it will be a creative outlet for me and possibly provide insight or entertainment for others.
My husband, C, and I have been trying to conceive since June of 2008. This is our story.
C and I started dating in 2003 and were married in 2006. I'm a California girl, born and raised, and he is a transplant from the East Coast. We love to travel and have taken many great trips together: Italy, Hawaii, Australia, France and lots of little ones here and there.
We have a house in the suburbs that is just waiting to be filled up with a few little ones. Until then, it's us and our two spoiled cats.
I have wanted to be a mom forever. In fact, when I was two and a half and my mom told me that a baby was on the way, I assumed it must be a baby for me. I was disappointed to learn that it was actually another baby for my mom. Of course, I didn't want to get pregnant during my high school or college years, but I always new my time would come and looked forward to it.
I always told myself I wanted my first baby at 30. C was on board with that idea from the beginning. He's six years older than me, so he thought he'd be ready to be a dad by then. I went off of birth control pills and started trying to conceive nine months before my 30th birthday. Well, I turn 30 in just over two weeks, and I haven't gotten my BFP (Big Fat Positive pregancy test) yet.
I've learned much more about my body and reproductive cycle than I've ever cared to know. I take my temperature every morning and chart it. I test for various hormones throughout the month to make sure the right things are happening. I had one month with no ovulation, and I also had an ultrasound that showed small cysts on my ovaries. Otherwise I am healthy and so is C. I started using Clomid this month (an ovulation-helping medication), and now I just wait to see if it worked.
I believe I ovulated on 2/14 or 2/15, so I need to wait until the end of next week to find out if we were successful.
This part of the cycle (the two week wait) is the worst for me. I just want to know. I have to accept that I don't know while hoping for the best but bracing for the worst. This is my life.
My husband, C, and I have been trying to conceive since June of 2008. This is our story.
C and I started dating in 2003 and were married in 2006. I'm a California girl, born and raised, and he is a transplant from the East Coast. We love to travel and have taken many great trips together: Italy, Hawaii, Australia, France and lots of little ones here and there.
We have a house in the suburbs that is just waiting to be filled up with a few little ones. Until then, it's us and our two spoiled cats.
I have wanted to be a mom forever. In fact, when I was two and a half and my mom told me that a baby was on the way, I assumed it must be a baby for me. I was disappointed to learn that it was actually another baby for my mom. Of course, I didn't want to get pregnant during my high school or college years, but I always new my time would come and looked forward to it.
I always told myself I wanted my first baby at 30. C was on board with that idea from the beginning. He's six years older than me, so he thought he'd be ready to be a dad by then. I went off of birth control pills and started trying to conceive nine months before my 30th birthday. Well, I turn 30 in just over two weeks, and I haven't gotten my BFP (Big Fat Positive pregancy test) yet.
I've learned much more about my body and reproductive cycle than I've ever cared to know. I take my temperature every morning and chart it. I test for various hormones throughout the month to make sure the right things are happening. I had one month with no ovulation, and I also had an ultrasound that showed small cysts on my ovaries. Otherwise I am healthy and so is C. I started using Clomid this month (an ovulation-helping medication), and now I just wait to see if it worked.
I believe I ovulated on 2/14 or 2/15, so I need to wait until the end of next week to find out if we were successful.
This part of the cycle (the two week wait) is the worst for me. I just want to know. I have to accept that I don't know while hoping for the best but bracing for the worst. This is my life.
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