Overwhelmed with joy and fear

I woke up yesterday morning, and my temperatures were still elevated. Something made me decide to take a home pregnancy test. For a few minutes, I was sure it was going to be negative, like every other test I’ve taken. Then a hint of a shadow started forming where a second line would go. I squinted and held it to the light and couldn’t be sure. I tore the little plastic contraption apart to get a better look at the test strip. I THOUGHT I saw something.

I took a photo of it and posted it on Fertility Friend (online message board). Everyone else claimed to see it too.

Unfortunately, C was in Palm Springs for work, so I called and woke him up around 6:00. He was a little disoriented. I said, “I’m sorry to wake you up, but I might be pregnant.” He said it was fine to wake him up with that news.

I went in for a blood draw around 11:00. I stressed all day long. Was I? Wasn’t? On the way home from work, I stopped at Target and bought three more test brands. I used them when I came home and got more positive results, including a digital test that said “pregnant.”

That was nice to see. But I was still totally scared.

C was still gone last night, so I was on my own again. I went for a walk with a friend but didn’t say anything about it. C wants me to wait a few weeks to tell anyone. I really want to at least tell my parents and a few close friends. It’s just too much to keep to myself. Anyhow, I didn’t say anything last night.

This morning I got my blood test results. It's still very, very early. My period isn’t even due until Friday or Saturday, and I got my positive home pregnancy test result on Tuesday. Anyhow, the hCG in my blood measured at 23, which I guess is fine for how early I am. The important thing is that it doubles every 48 hours.

Unfortunately, I won’t be in town 48 hours after the first test because we will be out of town for a wedding. I’ve given the information for a hospital near where we are staying to my doctor’s office. If they want me to go in for another test, they can send the order there and have me go in. I should know more tomorrow after I land.

But for the moment, I am pregnant!!!! I’m feeling a lot more anxiety than I imagined I would. Everything is looking okay so far, but I want more reassurances. Early loss is so, so common, and I’m terrified it will happen to me. We’ve been trying for 15 months, met with five different doctors and tried drugs and surgery. Now if I lose this pregnancy, it will be very, very hard. I will try not to think about it.

Positive thoughts. :)

Appointment next week

We had to wait until August to start working with the RE because we had to switch medical groups.

August is here, and we've switched groups, so we can start working with the RE. I have an appointment next Friday for an ultrasound and to learn how to do injections.

Then we'll start the injections a few days before my current cycle ends. Hopefully our injectable cycle does the trick and we don't even have to move on to IVF.

I've been reading a lot of other people's blogs, and they are kind of depressing. Depressing because I understand how they're feeling, and I see that IVF didn't work for many of them, so they're left feeling even more depressed. I'm so scared that will be me.

Success rates for my age group are over 50%, but because of my various issues, I'm given the odds of 30%. So I have to be prepared that I will likely not get pregnant. How do you do that and stay positive at the same time? It's very confusing.

To help with my confusion, I've made an appointment with a therapist who specializes in infertility. Hopefully she can help me wrap my brain around this. I'm meeting with her next Wednesday.

I've also made an acupuncture appointment. It's supposed to help IVF, so we might as well try as much as possible to give ourselves the best shot. This will be my third acupuncture practitioner. The first one was nuts and the second one was too far away. Hopefully third times a charm.

Just waiting... tick tock...